Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Kung Pao Mysteries: "Who Shot Laron Landry?"

Redskins all over the joint these days:

1. Thankfully, Lavar Arrington appears to be recovering. I'm sure his spirits are flagging, though, as he realizes his chances for a comeback are now greatly diminished. Lavar, here's a get-well card for you:

2. Dan Snyder's obsessive compulsion to collect personalities like figurines has taken yet another West Coast direction, with his addition of Dick Clark. More action figures for the toy chest, Danny Boy.

3. Speaking of Dicks, we turn our attention to the Great Laron Landry Caper of 2007. Those of you normal enough to feel no need to consume football off-season news might have missed the story about Redskins Rookie Free Safety Laron Landry's being shot in the Cover Two during a "paintball incident." The crack investigators over at ProFootballTalk have blown this mystery wide open:

"A guy who knows the person who owns the paintball park at which Redskins safety LaRon Landry got hit in LaDong with a tiny ball of paint says Landry had "shot" one of his Redskins teammates, knocking him out of the game. Then, Landry walked up to the player, who was on the ground at the time, and proclaimed that he was going to finish him off, execution style.

The teammate then raised his paintball gun and shot Landry point-blank in the crotch."

This, if true, is an extraordinary feat of paintball heroism.

Imagine: Unknown Redskin, wounded, probably shot trying to defend Jason Cambell's flank, giving up his body in the process. Dazed, said Redskin tries to gather his senses as the battle rages about him. Pellets whizzing overhead, kicking up bark.

He has lost men before in combat, and has dispatched his share of the enemy, but never like this. This was different.

The sound of footsteps from behind brings him back into focus, kicking his training into gear. He marshals his strength, just enough to shout, "Run Jason!"

Then, silence. A lull in the firefight, a deathly quiet. The footsteps cease. A light breeze picks up, bringing Southern Summer up the valleys of the Shenandoah, the smell of afternoon rivers and fresh cut grass. His back propped against a tree stump for support, said Redskin feels no fear, no pain-- only a mild sense of surprise that The End comes so easy.

Going into shock. Got to keep focused.

Then, more footsteps from behind. And a voice:

"I shot you man. Now I'm going to finish you off."

Said Redskin quietly flips the safety off on his piece, keeping it under his leg, out of view.

Then he was standing over him, the Shooter. "You dead man." He said, leveling his gun at eye level.

A smile creeps across the wounded man's face. "No man," he says, squinting into the sun, "You dead."

FOOOOTFOOTOTOOOTOTTTOOOOOTOTO four rounds right to the Rookie's Blitz Package.

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